Dirty, Messy Love

By Sameer Reuben

'I got a C minus in the oral communication assignment because you didn't send it to me earlier and my professor gave me a C minus for late submission' Said Claudia, annoyed and furious. 'I'm sorry baby, but I'm on a tight schedule. Work has been stressful lately and I did your assignment as soon as I got free' I said trying to calm her down. It had been eight months now since we both were dating each other. Claudia was studying textile designing and whenever she had a writing assignment that needed to be done she would just send it over to me, so she could focus on other assignments. I was now accustomed to being insulted every time she would score low on an assignment that I would do. It was the same pattern over and over again. She would get furious and address me in a condescending manner. But why was I getting insulted? I was doing her a favor by helping her out. Didn't she realize that? How did she ever got so comfortable insulting me, every time she scored low?

The answer was simple and obvious. She was comfortable doing it because I got comfortable with her talking down to me. It was my fault. I allowed her to walk all over me. To trample me and squish me down like I'm a bug. But isn't that what you're supposed to do? To stand by the person you love through thick and thin no matter how unlovable they might become.

Epiphany:

Needless to say, my relationship lasted only for a year and a half and the last couple of months were agonizing. I could see how distant we both had become and how little love there was left. It was in last two months of our relationship that I came to know that she had been cheating on me for the past four months. This one little piece of information left me shattered. This was it. This is how it ends. I was an emotional mess and my eyes testified that. Suddenly my worst fears and insecurities were feasting on my emotions. She made a fool out of me. My loyalty became my worst enemy and I realized that I wasn't irreplaceable or even that important to the person I was madly in love with. Countless nights were spent contemplating where did I go wrong?

I didn't believe in love anymore. It took me well over a year to get over the abuse I had endured. They say love is the most beautiful feeling in this world but in my case, it was ruthless, torturous and merciless. The truth was I was doing more harm to myself than she ever did by reliving those memories all over again. It was time to let go. It was time to move on and to start focusing on myself. I couldn't change what happened, that was beyond my control but what was happening was well under my control. It was my fault all along I had allowed her to treat me the way she did. My lack of self-love and self-dignity had caused me pain. As I sit down and write my own painful dilemma I have now come to realize that we ourselves are the sole architects of our destruction. None of this would have happened if I had loved myself the way I loved her. So now I say this and I say this with complete certainty that no one is worth your pain or misery. No one will ever love you the way you want if you don't love yourself.

After realizing where I was wrong my faith in love has been restored. It wasn't an easy or desirable journey but it was a journey I had to take. I learned the hard way and now that I have done there is no going back from here only moving forward. So before you fall in love with someone else ask yourself do you love yourself?

meerreuben@gmail.com