My Honest Love... Or Mistake!

By Joy Moshi

I hate the hot summers. But once it's gone, I miss it. This summer is hotter than ever!

There is something enchanting about summer. whether it's the long nights spent outside, adventurous trips we plan or the way sun streams through the windows in the early morning. And this summer gave me a chance to open the floodgates to explore myself and to expose who I am.

The 22nd of July, 2016 was the day that helped me to overcome one of my greatest fears.This was my first day at one of the most prestigious institutions in India. I stepped in the university premises with high resolutions and courage. I felt like everything is welcoming me with great delight and open arms. I was quite nervous for multiple reasons. My childhood was awesome. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal. I was not sure of whether I was going to make any friends. I was so confused and tensed. All new faces, language problem and staying away from parents is the biggest problem then. As it's a national institute, I met students from all over the world.I learned many customs, traditions and fast culture is what that I couldn't digest easily. At that time, I didn't know that these things are going to bring great changes in my life.

I had no idea what love was. One being my father loved me to the extent that I never knew what love was and the other may be because I was too lost in books not in childhood love scandals. Don't get offended when I say 'LOVE SCANDALS' because most of the love stories turn out to be scandals, may be because of our innocence.But, If I look back, my perception about love has changed a lot.

LOVE... it's not an emotion. It is so much more than that. It's a kind that vivifies the ardor. Love is an exertion, a mystery, a creation of soul. It's the best thing we do.

On a clear fall day in August 2016, We were asked to introduce ourselves to one another. That is when I saw him for the first time. At that moment, I didn't knew that he is going to be a lightning bolt in my life. This is no superior than any other story. Not even one in a hundred kind of. Few days after that,I felt like he was staring at me.I thought it was a mere attraction and I didn't think too much about it.It went on like that for some months and one day I told my friends about that flirting and all those things.As all of them are from same school,they know more about him than I do.They told me that he likes to get a girl's attention and then he will leave them, he is that kinda guy. They warned me not to get swayed. I framed him as a bad guy although my heart was not ready to culminate him like that. A couple of months later, we had a chat for one long hour. We discussed many things about each other and he told me how people think about him and how true it was very frankly. That was the first time ever my feelings for him were positive. Later on, we started ignoring each other whenever we crossed our paths.With in no time some of his friends started acting weird, which made me feel very uncomfortable.

All that while as those thingS happened, I had no reason to think of why. And So I gave it a lot of thought and as much as I thought of it, I think somewhere I had started growing feeling for him. Initially I thought, I could get over those feeling but with time things got worse and it was all the more very disturbing. So, I insisted upon meeting him just to sort out things with him and I could feel less burden. My Heart and Mind are not on the same lane and it was most difficult task to decide whether to go with Heart or Mind. My Mind is telling me that he might not be the one and my Heart insists what if he is the one??... as someone said, Heart needs more time to accept what our Mind already knows... may be. On a drizzling day of June 2018, I called him out and spoke my heart out. He said that what he did and what I felt were just some REGULAR ACTIONS and nothing much. At that moment, I felt devastated. Because, I expected a sincere apology and got something unheralded.

Haha... Life is what happens when we expect something else. It's always unpredictable. Love always brings difficulties and it hurts a lot. That's true. But, those things that hurt always provide opportunities for introspection.

I cursed myself for everything that happened. I can't get him out of my mind and everyone tried to console me by saying EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. At that state, I felt like 'what!for a reason... ??'. It was insane. People started judging me like how did you LIKE someone like that? How can you love a guy that you know nothing about?? I know what they are trying to say, but all I needed was someone to listen to what I say without critiquing. Fortunately, I got many of those.

I questioned myself a thousand times wondering, 'how could I have given love to that person?he don't even deserve it.' But the thing is not about deserving, It's about what we believe. Yes! Those so called ERRATIC ACTIONS are not that regular for me. But, that is how he sees things. He is right in his own way. 
PEOPLE ARE NOT ALWAYS WHAT WE FEEL THEY ARE.

At one point or the other, each and every one of us will have to face this situation. It was my turn then. It made me more stronger. I learnt to love not loving me back. I learnt to forgive by not apologizing. I learnt to be kinder than necessary. Actually, it made my path more clear. These sufferings made me realize that I have always been THE PARTY OF LIFE.

THE FEAR OF REJECTION or FAILURE, It's one of my most debilitating fears. I will be frank. Rejection hurts. Literally. The pain of feeling rejected, outcast or unwanted is real. But it's not the pain that makes rejection so difficult... it's the FEAR. Well, In my case it's not rejection. But, I opened my tender heart to someone and got shot down to flames. Few days after the incident, My friend asked how I was feeling. For the next ten minutes awkward silence filled my heart and room. I had nothing to say. That feeling really sucks. But, it's not as hard as we think it was to overcome. It took me some days to realize that the hurt is all about the emotional investment we have in that rejection. Rejection or Failure hurts as much as we allow it. We are giving it power to affect us. Let's not let any fears mask our true self. ACTUALLY... I FACED REJECTION! I WON. Time heals everything.

When sorrows hit hard, we try to escape. That's human tendency. But, we should try to find the relevance for our sufferings. That will help us to create our very own personal legacy. Thunderstorms are scarier, but it never rains forever. And yes! We meet everyone for a REASON and everything happens for a REASON, because when we look back in time, we feel glad that it happened that way.always!

We should never let our wretchedness prevail over us. Just because of that one Foe, let's not miss the good people. Let's accept the destiny. We don't know whom we are destined to meet, but it's already predetermined. There is someone out there eagerly waiting to glorify our soul.. let's trust the wait. Let's celebrate the beauty of life.

THAT'S HOW IT ENDED. THAT ESPECIALLY HOT SUMMER, ENDED LIKE THAT.